You Know Where To Find Me

I left a toxic relationship and thought my life from that point forward was going to be amazing. In some ways, it has definitely improved, but I’ve derailed my progress in others. For example, I was always the caretaker in all my pivotal friendships and relationships. As a provider, I constantly feel like I wasn’t good enough. Consistently try to please everyone, so I never have to worry about myself. It’s a habit that has consumed me. So I began to find myself making the same mistake. Wondering why I’m treated like an object, not a person. Even when I placed boundaries, the boundaries were quickly diminished because I was afraid of losing any connection I had made.

Since my breakup, I’ve fallen in love twice. Both times I provided, I overthought, was used, and led down a road that had no end in sight. I had a couple flings just to satisfy my sexual needs; even in those, my pleasure was always an afterthought. Then, I messed up an opportunity with a handsome, incredible man. I thought he was too good-looking; my mental illness would drive him away. I have nothing to offer this remarkable man. So I continued giving my time to someone I loved, who brought my life joy. Someone who gave me purpose because he needed me. I found myself awake most nights asking God for a sign, Am I doing the right thing, Am I doing right by these men, Am I doing right by me? God always provides answers; I just ignore them. I usually don’t process his signs unless it comes along with trauma or drama. At times I just exhaust every measure. Once that happens, there’s no turning back. I always end it with something stoic, followed by “you know where to find me.” Why do I leave it open-ended? Because I don’t hate any of these men, and maybe the connection we once had can turn into something more beautiful. When that’s said, the dynamic is different; my trust, affection, and caring nature have to be earned. It will no longer be given. Heartaches, headaches, mistakes, tears, anger, and explosions have finally made me realize that I deserve the energy I offer. I’m not a burden or a mistake; I’m a beautiful mind, body, spirit, and soul. Anyone who understands that will treat me as such. I’m bound to make many more mistakes, but being undervalued will no longer be one of them. Anyone who has made me feel less than the incredible woman I am, I forgive you. Hurt people hurt people, but no one will not stop me from becoming my optimal self. If you need me, you know where to find me.

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Ivelisse Torres

Since I can remember, my greatest joy has come from helping people. I hope that my writing can help you as it begins to heal me.