Restless Nights

I arrive at my apartment. I am exhausted from another work day. It’s the holidays; it’s expected. The company that I work for got acquired by a more prominent company. It’s overwhelming and confusing. I muster the energy to smile and laugh because this doesn’t just affect me. I always want the people that I surround myself with to feel appreciated. To come to work and want to be there. How hypocritical of me when I don’t even want to be there. Don’t get me wrong, I have an incredible boss and wonderful coworkers. Despite my spiraling mental health, I’m incredibly grateful to work for a company that gives me the opportunities this one does. So there I am, tossing, turning, praying, trying to clear my mind to get some rest and do this all over again. So why not leave and find something better suited for me? I don’t think that will make a difference right now. My mind is the problem. I can do a million things right, and the moment I do something wrong, I get punched, kicked, and bruised. I feel like I can’t breathe, like I can’t go on. I want it all to stop; lights out. But ending my suffering will only enhance somebody else’s. My troubles will be over, but someone else’s will only begin. It’s a cycle that doesn’t have an end in sight. You can only rely on friends for so long. You can only confide in people for so long before you affect them; eventually they don’t want anything to do with you. So the nightmares begin, and the night sweats. My bed feels like an ocean, and I’m drowning. The waves, thoughts, and emotions suffocate me. Other times my mattress feels like a coffin, where my spirit comes to die.