Imagine

Sitting next to someone in a car and feeling like you’re miles apart. Imagine sitting in that same car and crying every ride because you know you do not belong in that passenger seat deep down. Looking into someone’s eyes that you love, knowing that they are looking right through you, and wishing you were someone else. Asking for the bare minimum only to be made to feel like that’s too much. To care so much about someone, you forget to take care of yourself. Crying yourself to sleep because what if this is as good as it will get for you? Proving your love and devotion only to have it belittled. Having your friends look at you in pity because they don’t know what else to say or do. Imagine connecting with someone you’ve known forever. Feeling guilty because it shouldn’t be this easy. He holds your hand without you having to ask. He hugs you and holds you tight. He cuddles with you without a fight. You cry because you realize that you always deserved this at that moment. You panic because all you’ve known is no or fear. You disappear for a bit to figure out what’s going on. You go back to that other person one last time. To see if there’s anything left to hold on to. You sit beside them in the passenger seat of their car, feeling so far away. You look into his eyes and see your own reflection. You sit in silence, trying to make small talk here or there. You get to your destination and feel empty. He tells you to explore, but you walk around feeling like life has been drained from you. You meet him at the food court. You tell him you’ve been sad and that you texted him about it the day before. He looks at you and says, “We talked yesterday.” You sit there in disbelief like the air got sucked out of the room, and you can’t breathe. You get up and say, “you really pissed me off.” You walk away with a million thoughts on your mind. Feeling completely numb. You decide to not have a bad trip, so you apologize. Maybe if we shop together, things will get better. They don’t. The journey is over; you sit in the car feeling all alone. Just you, your thoughts, and tears. Why are you crying? You explain yourself, and it feels invalid, overrated. Everything changes. You step out of the car, knowing this is goodbye because he doesn’t love you and probably never will.