Illusion

You see a woman who wears makeup; I see someone who’s hiding behind a mask. You see artistry and talent.; I see mistakes and mishaps. You see someone who isn’t afraid of wearing revealing things; I see someone who feels she has no choice. You see a beautiful smile; I see an imperfect disaster. You see a slim girl with a proportionate body; I see a woman trapped in a teenager’s body. You think I apologize because I’m polite. I apologize because I’m terrified. You see someone who is sometimes loud and bold or quiet and timid; I see someone who wants to belong but knows she doesn’t. You see someone who isn’t afraid to love; I see someone who simply wants to feel loved.
You see beauty and quirk; I feel unattractive and undesirable. Bravery and strength; I feel unsure and unworthy. Organized and controlling, I feel overwhelmed and reckless. You see, unafraid to be emotional, I see someone screaming for help, drowning in an ocean of self-doubt, looking for a way out. What you see is what I so desperately want to believe. I show the world a version of myself that I aspire to be. Anxiety, depression, self-hatred have a hold of me. I’m a prisoner trapped in her own mind, just trying to get by. Staying awake and staying alive. One day at a time.