After I Let Go

“The day finally came when I decided it was time to end the relationship. He said, “I can’t wait for the day we have our own kids.” Suddenly, I saw my relationship flash before my eyes, and it was like I woke up. I said, “I can’t do this anymore” I took a shower, and that was the end of it. I felt relieved like the weight of the world was finally of my shoulders.”
Okay, I did it! I ended my relationship. Should I wait before I make online dating accounts? If so, how long? I don’t want a relationship; I just want to put myself out there. Maybe casually date, have sex. Do things that I usually don’t do. I’ve been emotionally clocked out of that relationship for a long time. I don’t think waiting would really make that much of a difference. I’m not looking for love or longevity, fuck it, I’m going to make some profiles and see what happens. Are you interested in men or women? This question gets me every single time! I just ended a relationship with a man. Maybe I’m just not into men? I’ll put interested in women. Why not? But I’ve never had a sexual relationship with a woman. I love women. I find women attractive; they just make me nervous! With my preference being fem, I might have to be more dominant. Shit, maybe I didn’t think this through! Calm down, don’t overthink this! Just try it out. After a month of swiping, getting matches, getting ghosted, being creeped the fuck out, and realizing that my sexual orientation is still something I need to figure out. I deleted all my accounts.
Am I a lesbian, am I bisexual, am I straight? I really don’t fucking know! Being attracted to men and women doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I’ve only had sex with a man; I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t know if it was just sex with him or just sex as a whole that I didn’t like. How am I supposed to date if I don’t know what I want? This is all too much; I’m in my mid-twenties. I came out in high school. I should know my sexual orientation; I should have more sexual experiences than I have. Who is actually going to want someone that’s very sexually inexperienced? What is wrong with me? This can’t be normal? You’ll figure it out! Why am I rushing anyways?
I don’t know how to be alone! Why am I so scared of being single? Why do I need to figure everything out right away? This is a time that I should take for granted. Reflect on how I got here. What I can do so that I don’t end up in a similar relationship in the future. Work on loving myself so that I don’t have to rely on anyone else to fill my love tank. Get my life together, face my fears. I’m so disappointed in myself. I had goals for this stage in my life, and not one of these goals has been accomplished. I thought that I would be engaged by now, planning on having a baby, saving for a house, and having a career. This fucking sucks; I’m a failure. I’m lost; I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know what to do. Where do I begin? My life is just one big mess. I think I need to live in this mess for a while. Let it all sink in. The last thing I need is a relationship of any kind.
I lived in that mess for over a year. I finally decided to accept it and move forward. I am working hard on loving myself. Some days are easier than others. I gave myself goals that I want to accomplish this year, no ifs and buts. I’m dating someone who, too, has had its challenges. I’ve always been selfless and unconditional. In this relationship, I’ve been selfish and unconditional. It wasn’t intentional, and I was unaware of my selfishness. It took a 2-hour phone call, a whole day of reflecting on the relationship, and space to finally understand what I’ve been doing. I made it all about me; I took for granted that I was understood and seen. I didn’t even make an effort to get to know that person. I disregarded it because they were closed off. So why try? I became the kind of person that took advantage of me. I thought letting go was going to be the hard part. Boy, was I wrong! After I let go, the most challenging thing was that I had no one else’s trauma to hide behind. It forced me to take a long hard look at myself and realize that I contributed to my own shortcomings.